Time has passed by and I am still here, I am still holding on to myself and my believe...some says appearance is important, yes it i, but its only for the first expression.
I always caught in dilemmas for example...when my dad forced me to wear tudung..years ago, eventually i did and what happened is that he didn't know that I am free-hair when i was away from the family.
I was trapped in the situation which I cannot be who I am. Living in this pretending world, I ended up confusing myself with what i want and what people wants from me. And honestly, I still do...I still my finding ways to come out as myself... People always say "I am for who I am", but I can't say that, I am who they want me to be. Example, since my parents is Haj and Hajjah, do I have to cover myself because of them? They said, if I respected them, I have to do so. Obviously I understand what they feel, they don't want people come and tell them "Macam mane anak Pak Aji tak pakai tudung??" Haihhh..tatau nak cakap, diri sendiri pon tak betul..asyik nak tengok orang je..we have been living in a community who always care and concern what people think of us, little that we realise that we have to know ourself before other people can come and judge us. (Hurmmm one of living lesson that I have just learnt)
Don't you think, actually its all comes from our heart, for me right thoughts make right deeds, right actions and admirable character, therefore develop right thinking..
Parents always set barrier between themselves and their children. WHY??? because they wanted their children to respect them. Why can't just parents be like friends, that we can talk and share about everything? I would like to have that. I love if my mother could be one of my top best friends, i would love to share everything with her. Dad??? I could love if he could just spend time and listen for me..Of course I still need them to advise me what is right and what is wrong..but let me do the decision... Eventually, my parents are not that type, and to make thing worst, I am VERY rebellious and i tend to make decision that irritates them, I didn't look at the long term effects, I ended up react with the situations instead act. (Someone tells me that). This is the cause of upside down of my life.
To parents: Don't give too much of high expectation of your children, if u did and they failed, you could never understand how useless they will feel about themselves. Dont be only parents, be their friends too. Give them space to wonder, yet guide them. Dont stop them cause this will create their curiosity, and once it is there..they will find their way to peek and sneak out. Afterall, don't you want your children to be honest to you? Anyway, back to the question that i keep asking myself, who am i?
For all this while, I am the one who really cares about what people thinks of me, want from me..and from my childhood I have trained myself to put high expectations on myself. As what my abah always says "Kak Long, ko anak pertama, mesti jadi contoh kat adek2"..i have been living with that quote as long as i can remembered.
But funny thing is, my sisters came out better than me..my second sister, got married, got herself a career, good and devoted husband, cute baby..I mean, whatelse that she could ask for..she has everything..
The twins, they are lot matured than me, eventhough they are still small by age but sometimes they can reason better than me. i am now emotionally dependent on my sisters, when I am down, they are there..and they are always there. Even my existance is by their help (To:Tia and Dila..thanked GOD adek that i have greatest like you). They inspired me to open up the facebook and be one of the blogger to keep me in touch with friends, families, and those people out there who are waiting to know me).
Ok girls...i here just to tell you that if you feel that you want to share your feelings with me..i might be understand..if you wanted to ask me anything..just go ahead and be free..i will be here acting like your sister and best friend :)
Lots of Love,
Chenta Hearty
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